Anti-Suffragist Ann Coulter Promises to Stay Home and Shut Up

Now that she's discovered all the corollaries to disenfranchisement.

photo credit: Wystan

AVING ANNOUNCED to the world her disapproval of women's suffrage, aging spinster Miss Ann Coulter has slowly come to the full realization of her proclamation's myriad ramifications, which her mind, housed as it is in the body of the weaker sex, could not wholly grasp at once.

Miss Coulter will soon remove herself from the garish spotlight of the media, so indelicate an illumination for the female form, and, eagerly giving up all that is the natural purview of men—politics, economics, science—happily consign herself to the feminine, domestic joys of baking, needlepoint, and idle gossip.

As the spinster Coulter had once recklessly embarked on the folly of property ownership, she has found herself quite suddenly burdened with financial indebtedness that no unmarried woman could possibly sustain, or indeed manage, with the meager gifts her feminine intellect allows. Fortunately, a kind gentleman from the great state of Texas, Doctor Phillip McGraw, has most gallantly offered to take up her mortgage. In this way Miss Coulter will not live out her remaining years in penury, burdening our institutions with her pitiable cries for assistance. After all, could she not easily have married at a tender age when the field of suitors had first presented itself? The follies and foibles of the feminine sex are quite innumerable! It is a wonder it manages to thrive at all.

The ardent suffragist and all-round rabble rouser, Miss Gloria Steinem, expressed with her usual hysterical fervency, "my undying support of Miss Coulter in true sisterhood," even though, as Miss Steinem admitted, "Miss Coulter and I have often found ourselves at unfortunate loggerheads in the feminist arena." Perhaps it is Miss Coulter's one redeeming virtue that she has never aligned herself with the weaker sex's weakest argument, that of sharing equal rights with men.

Miss Steinem no doubt had Miss Coulter in mind recently as she shouted into a megaphone, "If we do not all stand united, we shall all lose the dream of equality!" in her preferred masculine attire of trousers and button-down shirt, before a a recent gathering of intemperate young women chained to a local Walmart establishment, which, in its infinite wisdom, had instituted the practice of locking its female clerks indoors over lunch for their own protection against the advances of young gentleman out for a daily stroll. (Indeed, it would far better befit these impertinent young ladies to cease employment outside the home entirely, and instead keep the hearth fires burning, as their true nature would dictate, if only it might be heard above the frivolous din of the modern female mind.)

Dr. McGraw, speaking on behalf of Miss Coulter, says the newly reformed spinster "no longer wishes to add what she calls 'my silly female babble to the masculine brook of reasoned discourse,' and therefore offers no comment to Miss Steinem's well-meaning, if misguided, pronouncements."

One heartily desires Miss Coulter not to stray from living out her remaining years of spinsterhood in quiet reflection at home, having wisely left the world of men to its rightful owners.