Her attempts to barter "concert quality" bustiers for child not meeting with initial success.
RESH FROM HER failure to adopt a Malawi boy named "Mercy," Madonna is down but not defeated, announcing through channels that she is in negotiations with the natural parents of a three-year-old caucasian boy from Kansas named "Timmy."
In early meetings, Madonna has assured Timmy's parents that she would respect Kansan traditions all through the boy's development.
For example, upon Timmy's tenth birthday, Madonna must consult with him at the dinner table, over a traditional "Pillsbury" chocolate layer cake, as to the revising of his first name. In Kansas, a maturing boy usually drops the diminutive "my" or "mie" suffix. Thus, in Timmy's case, he would thereafter be addressed as "Tim." He may also be empowered to adopt various traditional Kansan nicknames given to prepubescent tribal males, such as "Junior," "PeeWee," and "Dorkus Maximus."
Once 21, the boy may decide on his own if he would prefer to adopt the formal usage "Timothy," although this is not absolutely required except on legal documents or in the event he is arrested, in which case his middle name is also to be used on televised reports of his misadventures.
Madonna's spokesman also said that the Material Mom would "proudly keep Timmy's hairstyle in accordance with Kansan customs for males." In Timmy's case, because he is only three he sports the traditional male toddler's "buzz cut," but at around four or five years of age he would be permitted to emulate older Kansan males by switching to an intricate hairstyle his people call "The Mullet."
"It may look strange to you and me," observed the spokesman, "but who are we to judge what is normal for the Kansan people?"
"Besides," he added, "one day Timmy may wish to marry a girl from his own tribe. And she will recognize, as no other could, the mating song that is The Mullet."
Madonna also feels she would be far more accepting of alternative sexual preferences that Timmy may turn out to possess, his particular Kansan tribe being traditionally dead set against homosexuality. Said her spokesman, "Madonna feels sure she will know if Timmy turns out to be gay, because on the day of his realization he will turn to her and say, 'Mother, this Mullet has got to go.'"
© 4.28.09 Kate Heidel
