Claims no naughty/nice data-sharing with federal agency.
photo credit: LadyDragonflyCC - >;<
S OLD ST. Nick busies himself with final preparations for his annual worldwide Christmas delivery in less than two weeks, the beloved, red-cheeked resident of the North Pole is also trying to convince a skeptical press that the results of his classic surveillance methods are not being shared with the controversial National Security Agency (NSA).
Taking gift requests from a long line of children in a mall in Upstate New York, Mr. Claus assured reporters on the scene that he had "no relationship with that Naughty Spy Agency, or whatever you call them!"
Santa then lifted a little girl named Janie, age 5, onto his lap and asked her what she wanted for Christmas. Eyeing reporters warily, Janie whispered her requests into Santa's ear.
"Ho, ho, ho, little girl!" thundered Santa. "I'll never add your secret requests to my 2013 Christmas database and send it via Elf Express to the NSA!"
"Furthermore," Santa continued, winking at the children and their parents, "I'll never cooperate with NSA officials by giving them unhindered access to my 'Naughty/Nice' spreadsheets!"
However, Mr. St. Nick may need to provide more than verbal assurances, as NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden is set to release a trove of Christmas-related communications between Santa and the National Security Agency.
Glenn Greenwald of The Guardian has reportedly been reviewing the documents and claims that Santa Claus "is in fact the jolly old lying, evil fat man of Christmas. For deceiving little children around the world, and betraying their trust, he deserves to fry in oil."
Santa did not seem fazed by the news, remarking that "no young boy with the wonderful name SNOWden could ever be that naughty!"
Janie, for her part, said she was also giving her Christmas list "to my Mommy and Daddy" in the event "they put Santa in a jail."
© 12.12.13 Kate Heidel