Boilerplate confessions may force CNN to resort to reporting news.
N THE HEELS OF Nevada Senator John Ensign's confession of his extra-marital affair, a top Washington, D.C.-based consulting firm, Our Apologies, has announced that it has completed work on a form contrition letter "appropriate to the common needs of the U.S. Congress, who are currently experiencing zipper difficulties in the trouser region."
The consulting firm, which said it had been working with members of Congress "to draft the perfect Epistle of Remorse," has posted an image of the letter for public viewing on its website, where it was also announced that any current member of Congress "can now, upon registering with Our Apologies' secure, Congressional Hanky-Panky Technology, download as many free copies of our letter as needed."
The letter, in its entirety, reads as follows:
To my lovely/cherished and dear wife/husband/partner [first name or, preferably, pet name], my loyal constituents, members of Congress, friends:
I write to you today from this great House/Senate chamber to admit to having betrayed the trust of my wife/husband/partner by engaging in a fleeting/periodic/lengthy and inappropriate relationship/ménage à deux/dance in the sun/affair with another woman/man/illegal alien, for which I take full responsibility here today, and for which I beg my wife's/husband's/partner's eventual forgiveness.
[Pet name], darling/sweetheart, I can't hope to expect your forgiveness now, so soon after you have learned of my impropriety/ménage à deux/dance in the sun/affair, but, perhaps, once I have atoned of my sins [or "wrongdoing" for the non-ecclesiastical], you and the children [if any by your actual spouse; please do not include illegitimate progeny here]/in-laws/dog/cat/gerbil/gecko/[whatever the hell else you've got hiding under the bed besides you-know-who], may someday find it in your hearts to let me join in our family's joys/gatherings/religious rituals peculiar to your parents once more.
To my constituents, what can I say but "I have failed you." You who believed in my hopes and dreams for [state name, spelled out], good ol' [nickname for state]; who cast your vote for progress/small-town family values, and fairness/law and order, and duty/courage/integrity over sloth/fear/sleazy politics as usual. I have let you down, and for that I am eternally ashamed/stupid/clueless indeed.
In closing, please know that I will do everything in my power to regain the trust of my beloved wife/husband/partner and family/compound/survivalist camp and my constituents before I would ever hope/dream/fund-raise to run again for the great State of [state name, spelled out! This is not the envelope, dumbass, it's the letter.].
God Bless [All-purpose, even for Godless atheists. Trust us.] you all, and God Bless America.
Yours/Sincerely Yours/Truly Madly Deeply Yours,
[your real name]
© 06.18.09 Kate Heidel