They must stay home so as not to provoke any more tectonic shifting with their cleavage and whatnot.
RGANIZERS of the 40th annual Earth Day celebrations are banning women from participation in this year's festivities, now that it has been established by Iranian cleric Hojatoleslam Kazem Sedighi that the exposure of women's wanton flesh to a man's gaze is the direct cause of God's wrathful earthquakes.
"Earth Day is a celebration of our planet and a call to all nations to protect earth's finite resources," began a spokesman for the annual celebration. "Therefore, we cannot have women sashaying to and fro, causing earthquakes, tsunamis, or other natural disasters that swallow every finite resource in their path.
"Not to mention volcanic eruptions, wild fires, allergy attacks, and swarms of locusts," added the Earth Day spokesman. "Oops, almost forgot tornadoes. Environmentally speaking, women are nothing but trouble."
An exception is being made for very old nuns in full habit, said the spokesman, "but not younger nuns, some of whom may show a particularly becoming ankle. That alone could trigger dangerous thunderstorms inspired by God's retribution," he cautioned, becoming visibly hot under the collar just talking about seductive nun ankles.
Women are encouraged to make themselves useful by engaging in "appropriate Earth-day-related activities" while holed up at home with their tempting fleshiness.
Home-based activities suggested by the spokesman for the woman who wishes to celebrate Earth Day "should include sewing long pants and loose-fitting shirts with high necklines out of dull but breathable fabric. She also should fashion some unattractive under garments, so that even if a man can't help himself and tears off her clothes, he will be very disappointed."
Cleric Sedighi said the ban was "a very good beginning" and hoped that God would reward humanity "with an extended period of mild sunshine and low humidity."
© 4.22.10 Kate Heidel