Department of Homeland Security Issues X-Ray Glasses Once Sold in Comic Books

They still work just great. Really.

The World Famous X-Ray Glasses
photo credit: Quasimondo

N LIGHT OF the failure of Dutch airport screening to prevent a terrorist from boarding and attempting to blow up a Northwest flight to Detroit in December, the U. S. Department of Homeland Security has spearheaded attempts to improve its own screening by issuing thousands of unused x-ray glasses that used to be sold in the back of comic books.

The glasses have been gathering dust in warehouses as young people have moved away from low technology over the last thirty years. But makers of the once-popular specs still stand firmly by their product, insisting that "nothing in this price range even comes close to approaching our glasses' amazing ability to see right through clothes. Try a pair today!"

Janet Napolitano, the director of Homeland Security, was skeptical at first, "but then," she said, "I tried on a pair in the Oval Office. I'm a little embarrassed to say that I saw right through the President's suit, and darned if I did not see the President's outline before I was tackled and handcuffed by members of the Secret Service."

Upon her release from the White House basement after ten hours of harsh interrogation, Ms. Napolitano immediately authorized her agency to begin issuing the lightweight x-ray glasses to all airport screening personnel.

However, once the retro paper-and-cellophane eyewear was spotted on screeners, passengers started asking where they, too, could score a pair. Ms. Napolitano then decided that all passengers should be outfitted as well, "as a sort of backup security, just to err on the side of caution."

So far, no suspicious items have been spotted underneath clothing by screeners or airline passengers, although there appears to be general consensus that in-flight movies viewed with the glasses give off what one passenger described as "a really cool glow."