Ruth Madoff Really, Really Hopes You'll Pay Full Price for Her New Memoir

Because it is simply impossible to live on $2.5 million.

UTH MADOFF, wife of convicted financial swindler Bernard Madoff, discusses in her newly released, tell-all memoir the details of personal trials that led her finally to "losing my designer pants despite doing everything right."

Says The New York Times book review of Ruth Madoff: Just Another Innocent Victim:

"One is left with the impression that Mrs. Madoff did everything correctly, but still managed to lose her designer pants in the end. Hers is a cautionary tale for those who think they, too, are on the right track, but who will soon be stuffing money and jewels into every off-shore account and unused orifice they can find."

Mrs. Madoff begins her sorry tale claiming that she had proceeded exactly as directed by the best-selling Oprah-Winfrey-endorsed book, The Secret, a how-to on attracting wealth and success into one's life.

"I watched Ms. Winfrey's program every day, learning how to be a wise and healthy person," writes Mrs. Madoff. "And when Oprah dedicated three entire programs to The Secret, I knew I was about to graduate from the Oprah Winfrey School of Living My Best Life. I was ready to use The Secret's "Law of Attraction" to allow enormous sums of wealth into my life. It is apparent to me only now that this so-called law needs a little fine tuning."

However, the Times review disputes the timeline of Mrs. Madoff's epiphany, insisting that The Secret authors did not make their Oprah appearances until long after Mrs. Madoff had done "other right things," like marrying Bernie Madoff and "sticking an index finger in each ear while singing 'la-la-la' when any of Bernie's sentences contained 'money' and 'stealing' in close proximity."

In her memoir, Ruth Madoff earnestly expresses pride in her husband "for discovering how to breathe new life into a moribund, unassuming little scheme known as 'Ponzi'."

"But how was I to know that 'Ponzi' was a bad thing?" asks Mrs. Madoff in the chapter entitled "P-O-N-Z-I Spells 'Trouble'." "My degree was in Home Economics, not the other kind."

Mrs. Madoff says she plans a full schedule of stops on her nationwide book tour, but will conduct all readings from within her bullet-proof Ruth Mobile.