Suspended German Bishop's Pleading Letter to Pope Leaked

Blingmeister gives it his all.

Der Limburger Bischof Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst
photo credit: Medienmagazin

ERMAN Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst, who was placed on leave by Pope Francis for his $43 million project to build a lavish residence, penned a passionate letter to the pontiff that was leaked by sources inside the Bishop's diocese of Limburg. A translation of the letter from German reads as follows:

Blessed Holy Father,

I, Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg, wish to express my utmost despair at your Holiness's inexplicable decision to place me on leave during the most hectic building schedule of my sacred career.

Your Holiness, there is so much to be done!! Men have only just begun breaking ground on the foyer ($1 million) to my new residence. Perhaps if had I sent you the architect's rendering of the completed foyer, you would not have acted so hastily. I will send it to you immediately! The foyer alone is a miracle of elegance. And I, Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg, do not use the word "miracle" lightly!

Speaking of light, perhaps His Holiness is not aware that my new skylight ($1.5 million) would have illuminated the entirety of my 2,000 square-foot living room ($3 million)? The splendor of God's beaming sun would have blessed all who might have attended my fabulous brunches in the new space. But alas, the skylight too is now tragically on hold, due to your hasty suspension of me, Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg.

Then, if only the construction could go forward as planned, there would be the ten modest bedrooms ($12 million, a steal), each with full bath ($13 million, but that is plumbing these days). You, my Holiness, would be promised the best view! But how is that possible with your hasty decision?? It is not possible. This is a tragic situation!!

Oh, Your Holy Eminence, my suspension, although hastily decided, I will honor with full submission to your infallible authority. Perhaps I could send you an artist's rendering of the Koi pond in the back acreage ($4 million)? Not that this would sway you in the least, but the temptation of impeccable taste is not always a sin!

As always, your humble servant, currently with no decent place to call his own,

Bishop Franz-Peter Tebartz-van Elst of Limburg