Candid cad lays it on the line.
ISGRACED PRESIDENTIAL candidate John Edwards last week began to issue a categorical denial of claims he solicited a prostitute by way of a New York madam, but in a swift turnabout, the former candidate then issued a retraction of the denial.
"I was about to tell the American people that I absolutely did not have sex with any prostitute while campaigning in New York," Edwards said, "but then I thought, 'Screw it, who do I think I'm kidding?' I'm a horny guy, I admit it. So sue me. I didn't mean that. Please don't sue me."
During his failed presidential campaign, Edwards admitted he "pretty much laid everything that wasn't nailed down. And, yes, it was before, during, and after Elizabeth's chemotherapy," said the candid ex-governor. "But I guess you all kind of knew as much, huh."
Acknowledging "that my word is pretty much doo-doo these days," Mr. Edwards said his claims of a heart condition "were, as you might have guessed, just another tall tale," and confessed that he has actually been working out in a gym for the last three months "to release my inner complete stud."
Edwards went on to admit that he was sending his ex-lover, Rielle Hunter, child support "only because you can't get away with not doing it anymore." He ventured to guess that at least three other love children "are playing recess in the school yards of this great country," but that he had not been served with child-support papers in those cases, "because I refuse to pay a dime unless they make me scrape more DNA out of my cheek."
Continuing in a tone of complete candor, Edwards admitted that he had seen Titanic "twenty-three times" and had cried "at every damn showing." He also admitted to dressing up as Tim Curry's character for the midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show.
"I could say that dressing up in garters made me more empathetic to women, but that would be such a total crock," said the refreshingly honest Edwards.
Mr. Edwards concluded his retraction by announcing the publication of his tell-all memoir, entitled John Edwards: That's Right, I'm A Rat Bastard, slated for release in late April.
"Believe me when I tell you you only know the half of it," said Mr. Edwards. "And for once, that's no lie."
© 3.27.12 Kate Heidel
