Hi, I'm Paul Ryan, And I'm Pretty Much an Ogre At This Point

"With each successive bloodbath unleashed upon innocent Americans, I've continued in my callous refusal to do one single thing that could make a difference and save American lives."

photo credit: via Wikimedia Commons

S THE NEWS came out of Florida that 17 people were gunned down by a young man wielding a weapon of war, I indicated right from the get-go that I wasn't going to do a thing about it, even though I'm an influential political leader in Washington, D.C. That’s because I'm pretty much an ogre at this point.

I've actually been an ogre since at least the 2012 Newtown massacre, when my shocking lack of action in the face of carnage involving small children allowed my true nature to be revealed. And with each successive bloodbath unleashed upon innocent Americans since Newtown, I've continued in my callous refusal to do one single thing that could make a difference and save American lives. "What a complete ogre this guy is," you might be saying, and you'd be right.

As a result, I think you all knew exactly what my reaction to the killing in Florida was going to be. I shook my head, made tsk-tsk noises about how horrible the violence was, and offered up my usual empty gestures of prayer and healing. You know as well as I do that I have absolutely no intention of doing anything to lessen the chances of another horrific episode of gun violence in America. Because I am a freaking ogre at this point, people.

Now, as Speaker of the House, I could allow a vote on any number of gun-control and safety measures to come to the floor. We might actually pass one or more of these bills if I would just allow voting to proceed. But I'm not going to allow voting to proceed, which means, following basic logic, that more Americans will die needlessly from guns. You really have to be an ogre to be Speaker of the House and pull this sort of crap again and again, am I right?

This is not to say that I stand alone. I've got plenty of company from other members of Congress who take millions of dollars in campaign donations from the NRA every year. (Do the names Marco Rubio and Richard Burr ring a bell? Just to name two.) You would probably call that blood money, although I personally don’t care what you call it is as long as it pays the bills. That’s just the sort of ogre I am at this point.

So my advice to you is, be grateful for every day you have on earth, because it's the freaking Wild West out there, and I don't intend to make it any safer for you or your loved ones, not even the littlest of your children. Because I am a full-fledged, absolute, unrepentant ogre. And don’t forget it.