Let's get our terms straight here.
LTHOUGH IT HAS been widely accepted the world over that blondes have more fun, a leading sociologist has recently revisited the conventional wisdom and has uncovered some surprising results.
Dr. Laura Bailey, who sports a natural, lustrous mane of brunette locks with subtle auburn highlights, has studied hundreds of blondes in their natural habitats over the last five years, comparing their social lives with a control group of brunettes and redheads. Dr. Bailey identified three consistent traits across all socio-economic backgrounds.
First, although the blondes studied did experience more frequent social events than the control brunettes and redheads, Dr. Bailey noticed that blondes often used their tongues for activities other than talking while out on the town.
"If we define social fun as friends getting together to talk, blondes are having much less fun than previously thought," said Dr. Bailey.
"Whereas the tongue generally is used in social situations to communicate with actual speech, the blondes in my study much more often used their tongues for non-linguistic purposes, such as tickling men's ears or licking the salt off Margarita glasses.
"Also," continued Dr. Bailey, "it's possible that my colleagues have mislabeled 'tongue kissing' as a linguistic event, in which case blondes are chock full of linguistic events. But, if you measure by classical linguistics, the blondes I studied fell far short of the control group."
Second, many of the blondes in Dr. Bailey's study exploited what she calls "The Chihuahua Trick," a tendency to gain attention and invitations from people by carrying a small, adorable dog in a purse or sports car.
"Naturally, everyone will think the blonde is having lots of fun, as crowds gather to 'ooh' and 'ahh'," explained the sociologist. "But it's the pooch that's the real object of desire. Yes, blondie may be invited to the party, but she's not there on her own merits. She has instead applied the irresistible Chihuahua Trick."
Finally, Dr. Bailey kept running into what she called "the X factor" in her data, a variable that spiked the blonde group's "fun quotient" but could not be teased out, "that is until a certain sports figure crashed his SUV into a fire hydrant."
The doctor's mystery factor is now in Sexual Addiction treatment at the Pine Grove Behavioral Health and Addiction Services clinic in Hattiesburg, Mississippi.
"When you account for his enormous contribution to the statistics, my blondes are having almost no more fun than my control group," smiled Dr. Bailey.
"In fact," she continued, "my control group is throwing a shindig tonight, no blondes invited. And we intend to have loads and loads of fun while using our tongues for their intended purpose, thank you very much."
© 01.26.10 Kate Heidel