First agenda item is consulting thesaurus for "unveil" substitute.
ELAWARE SENATE Republican candidate Christine O'Donnell, who says that abstinence and donning "man pants" are only the first steps toward reducing teenage promiscuity, has just released her anti-desire "Roadmap to Frustration" to the media. O'Donnell says the keystone of her approach is "educating teenagers about the evils of self-stimulation," what the Roadmap calls "sinsturbation."
"First, I want to announce that whoever wrote my press release using the word 'unveil' will be promptly fired," began the desire-free O'Donnell. "And why can't we say something other than press 'release'? Is that really necessary? The Lord gave us the brains to invent the thesaurus, to guide us away from words that could trigger desire, so let's use it, people!! Does anyone have another word for 'trigger'?? That is disgusting, and I apologize—my pocket thesaurus is in the car."
Ms. O'Donnell—who states she is running "for the U.S. Senate and against teenage sex and sex-related activities"—also says she wants "a clean and wholesome dialogue about why doing you-know-what to you-know-where should be just as illegal as driving drunk."
Indeed, her "Roadmap to Frustration" recommends that sinsturbators be cited for an "LWIS: Loitering with Intent to Sin" and advocates a night in jail "for any teenager caught trespassing in the Danger Zone, which is Under Construction and should be detoured until marriage, when the lane may open, but only when the destination is Baby on Board."
The O'Donnell Roadmap further recommends that teenagers redirect their sex drives into more productive activities such as volunteering, team sports, "and knitting hairshirts, so you itch for something other than your privates."
Candidate O'Donnell ended her press conference by hopping aboard her campaign bus, the "Frustration Express," which she said would tour "the great, pent-up state of Delaware" with the message of "wholesome family values, and a good healthy dose of self-denial."
"Remember," O'Donnell called out as she waved from her bus, "frustration-liness is next to Godliness!"
© 09.15.10 Kate Heidel
