Charlie Sheen Returns to Mars, Receives Frickin' Rock Star Welcome Home

Greeters hail their favorite Martian.

CTOR CHARLIE Sheen returned home to Mars Wednesday to a Frickin' Rock Star welcome in the atrium of the Red Planet Central Spaceport.

Addressing an enthusiastic throng of fellow Martians, Sheen told the crowd that he was thrilled to be home "where I am free to be a frickin' rock star whenever I damn well want, which is, duh, like all the time. Check it out."

The former star of Two and A Half Men also introduced to the crowd his two Earthling child-care goddesses, to whom he gave the most popular Martian names for entities most resembling earth females: "Treeka" and "Mylar."

Said Sheen, "My gorgeous goddesses—who helped me raise my two sons, who sadly aren't with us because some friggin' judge got his tin can for a brain into our family business—are thrilled to make their new home on Mars. For one, they are now only eleven and twelve in Martian years. Bring it."

Members of the welcoming crowd expressed various high opinions of their native son and his trials of late on planet Earth.

Said one fan named Rorpak, "We have been greatly disturbed to watch our beloved 'Charlie Sheen'—we call him Sheenak the Frickin' Rock Star—being grossly maligned by your planet's attorneys and talk-show heads. Not to mentioned low-wattage producers who write tin scripts that Sheenak magically turns into gold. But he is home now, and for that we are grateful. Duh."

A young female-resembling entity could hardly contain her excitement at Charlie Sheen's return to Mars.

"We have been awaiting Earth's acknowledgement of Sheenak's Frickin' Rock Star status since he killed in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, but none came! Such disappointment! Such injustice to Sheenak!!"

Sheen and his two goddesses were then whisked off by limo to an exclusive compound, said to feature many of Earth's finest spa and exercise facilities, as well as Earth Perrier water, gin, and cigarettes, identified by Sheen as just a few of his Earth favorites.

The limo driver admitted, however, that not all of Sheenak the Frickin' Rock Star's requests could be granted.

"We wanted to supply our beloved Sheenak with an assortment of the finest Earth prostitutes, however females continually slapped our emissaries in the facial region when they were asked to affirm whether they possessed the necessary qualifications. Loony tunes. Duh."