This and other folk remedies providing natural relief for millions of voters.
ESPONDING TO wealthy Santorum campaign donor Foster Friess—who recommended that women squeeze an aspirin between their knees as an effective form of birth control—the National Institutes of Health has just released a new set of its own natural remedies for lowering noise levels produced by wealthy campaign donors.
The set of ten recommendations was revealed on the NIH's website Tuesday morning. Topping the list was "the old-fashioned sock-in-the-mouth cure," which received the NIH top "silencer" rating for muting wealthy donors "who are on the verge of opening their big, fat mouths."
Next on the list of natural remedies was duct tape, "now available in a rainbow of colors to suit every occasion," followed by homemade caramels, meatballs, string cheese, polyfill, Elmer's glue, jumbo jawbreakers, a bottle of gummy bear vitamins, and very dry corn muffins.
Voters are already singing the praises of the natural remedies, writing by the thousands on the NIH comment thread with glowing testimonials.
Sally M. of Baltimore, Maryland, wrote that she noticed an "immediate" improvement on CNN:
"Foster Friess was about to speak about birth control again, when someone quick put a sock in his mouth. What a difference! I could hear him mumble a little, but he never got a word in edgewise for the rest of the segment! Thumbs up on the good old sock!!"
John P. of Minneapolis, Minnesota, said he preferred the duct tape "because of the color factor. Socks are great, don't get me wrong, but I have HD T.V. and you can really appreciate the the way the color shines off the wealthy guy's face when he's trying to say something about how I should get off my lazy duff. Awesome!"
Janice R. of Portland, Oregon, was one of thousands of commenters who offered to send their homemade caramels to radio and T.V. stations around the country.
"I can make 'em as fast as they can stick their teeth on 'em!" Janice wrote.
Wealthy campaign donors reached for comment were said to be busy pulling things out of their big, fat mouths.
© 2.22.12 Kate Heidel
