Quoth the raving, "Never born!"
PUMPED spokeswoman for a Birthers spinoff known as the Never Borners claims to have "incontrovertible proof" that President Obama is nothing more than a "terrifying hologram created by the elitist liberal science complex."
Ms. Whirly Tootz—who, but for her raven hair, bears a striking resemblance to Orly Taitz, Queen of the Birthers—cried, "Why, Obama practically gave it away the other day by wielding his lightsaber! Right on the White House lawn!! Isn't anyone paying attention?!"
Among what Ms. Tootz calls "clues that scream at you" that the President is "not human, but merely a left-wing hologram of evil," are his "unnatural calm" under the stresses of his high office ("'No drama Obama' is just an evil-gram for 'I am not human'!!"); his ability "to instantly break into a huge grin, just like a grinning hologram would"; his measured speech patterns ("First his voice goes up, then it goes down. No real person does that!!"); and his "deceptively cute little ears, that stick out just the way you would expect hologram ears to do if you were designing one from scratch."
Whereas the Birthers leader, Orly Taitz, has been foiled recently in her efforts to file suit in order to remove President Obama from office, Whirly Tootz claims "complete confidence" that she will amass enough "proof of hocus-pocus" to compel the courts to "dethrone the Obama hologram and return America to her rightful owners—real, God-fearing human beings" the vast majority of which Ms. Tootz claims, happen to be Republicans.
"Don't blame me!" chirped the feisty Ms. Tootz. "I'm just the messenger! Look at your liberal neighbor and ask yourself, 'Does he or she look totally solid? Are their feet really touching the ground, or are they kind of floating there, looking down at me?' I think everyone knows what I mean."
In service to her goal of removing "Mr. Barack Hussein O'Holograma," Ms. Tootz has launched a petition that her aids are circulating nation wide.
"I implore each of you to sign it," pleaded Ms. Tootz. "Just put an 'x' down if that's the best you can do, folks. The Lord above will know it was you!"
© 9.22.09 Kate Heidel
