Transportation Secretary Misspoke About Misspeaking About Recalled Toyotas

Advises Americans to stay tuned for further announcements.

ECRETARY OF Transportation Ray LaHood has just announced that he misspoke about misspeaking about recalled Toyotas by telling Americans not to drive their Toyotas until getting them fixed. He now says that he did not misspeak, because "my main point was that I would not want a single American to endanger him or herself by driving a car that could self-accelerate at any blessed moment."

What Secretary LaHood says he meant to say when he said he had misspoken was, "it would be fairly impossible to get your Toyota to the dealership to be fixed without driving it there. So I wanted people to understand that I understand that you can't will your car to the dealer's, so there's probably going to be some driving involved. Unless you want to have it towed. Actually, I think that would be best. Don't drive the car! Get it towed! It's a death machine!!

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood has just announced that he misspoke when he said he had misspoken about misspeaking about not driving the Toyota Death Machines that have these crazy-ass accelerators that stick and hurtle people 100 m.p.h or more down the Highways of Death.

"Well, I didn't quite say it like that," said Mr. LaHood. "I shouldn't have blurted out 'death machine.' I'm sure that's an exaggeration. I was only saying that you should probably not drive one of the recalled vehicles, but rather have it towed to a Toyota dealership, where they will be happy to apply the fix at no charge. I was only trying to err on the side of caution, but I don't want to give the impression that all recalled Toyotas are going to kill all their owners by driving them off a cliff or something. I'm sorry if I overreacted. I'm sure if you drive slowly and carefully to the dealership, you could save yourself the towing cost and you'll be perfectly fine. Honest."

Secretary of Transportation Ray LaHood has just announced that he misspoke about misspeaking when he said he had misspoken about misspeaking about not driving one of the recalled Toyotas until the little self-acceleration problem is fixed for those few cars that might have the teensy problem.

"Allow me to caution Americans that self-acceleration is hardly a 'teensy problem,'" noted Mr. LaHood, "and that all recalled Toyotas could potentially harbor this issue, which could reveal itself pretty much any time you drive. The more I think about it, I'm sure we could work out a rebate arrangement that would refund consumers the full amount of their towing charges. That way, everyone is safe, because it's not just the driver who might be injured or killed by self-acceleration on the way to the dealership, but any passengers, as well as innocent bystanders, who might simply be waiting for a bus. They don't even drive, for Pete's sake! How ironic is that?! Holy crap, don't start the Toyota! Just get it towed!!"

Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood was hospitalized today for exhaustion. He was reportedly about to make an announcement when he collapsed at the podium, leaving his deputy in charge for the interim.

"Get your Toyota fixed," announced the deputy.