Tiger Woods Claims He Was Just Practicing Obama Gate Crashing

The gate was supposed to be closed, or everything would have gone without a hitch.

OLF CHAMP Tiger Woods has broken his two-day silence regarding his one-car accident, and, according to a statement read by his spokeswoman, New York club hostess Rachel Uchitel, the enthusiastic Woods "was merely in late-night training to perfect his gate-crashing maneuvers the next time President Obama hosted a State dinner to which Mr. and Mrs. Woods were not directly invited."

Ms. Uchitel, reading from a prepared statement in her hostess mini dress and fishnet stockings, also said that Mr. Woods "and his lovely wife, Elin Nordegren, who insists she is the mother of his two children, and whom I greatly admire for her completely natural blonde hair" did not wish to disturb neighbors with their gate-crashing sessions, "and therefore chose 2:30 in the morning as the logical time for practice."

According to Ms. Uchitel, the "happy, happy couple" had the gate-crashing routine almost down to perfection, when Mrs. Woods forgot to actually close the gate before the night in question.

"Therefore, Mr. Woods' vehicle was not slowed down by the closed gate, and proceeded at top speed to the unscheduled tree, which ricocheted the fourteen-time majors winner into the unscheduled fire hydrant. Ouch!"

According to the statement, Mrs. Woods carried golf clubs with her "strictly as a precaution during gate-crashing maneuvers, and also as a way of toning her arms." After the accident, the golf champ's wife initially tried to break a window of the Cadillac SUV with a 5-wood, therefore delaying the desired outcome in the absence of a caddy, "who would immediately have pulled out a 4-iron instead."

Mr. Woods, said Ms. Uchitel, "was nevertheless impressed with his wife's golf swing, when she finally chose the right club." However, it does seem clear based on the incident that Mrs. Woods "will not be caddying for her husband any time soon."

Ms. Uchitel would not entertain any questions from reporters about Tiger Woods' plans to speak directly to the media, or about her alleged relationship with the golf champion.

"I am just here in a professional capacity to read Mr. Woods' statement, that is all. And, since Mrs. Woods is rapidly approaching the podium with her golf clubs, I will let her speak to you next while she tones her arms."