Working tagline: "Nirvana's just a splash away for the Aqua Buddha man."
RRESPECTIVE OF a win or loss in Kentucky's hotly contested U. S Senate race, Republican ophthalmologist and pro-life Christian Rand Paul announced at a press conference this morning that he plans to launch his own aftershave line, called "Aqua Buddha," as soon as election results are certified.
"I am very pleased to announce here today that I will be unveiling my exciting new aftershave, Aqua Buddha, just in time for the Christmas shopping season,” began Dr. Paul. “This bracing new entry to men's facial grooming solutions will be available exclusively at Walmart," said the Republican eye doctor, "where America loves to shop for family DVDs, guns, and hopefully, the full Aqua Buddha skin care line for men."
The Tea Party activist went on to describe his aftershave as "the 21st century elixir for today's bold man, offering a scent so seductive, so hypnotic, women will beg you to kidnap them and make them worship Aqua Buddha."
Although a woman's adulation of what the Bible calls a "false idol" would be considered a breach of at least one commandment, the avowed Christian assured reporters that God would forgive any woman "for her understandable reaction to Aqua Buddha's irresistible allure. After all," explained the ophthalmologist, "it was in prayer that I learned the Lord wanted me to start my aftershave line and have it ready for the Christmas retail season. He said it would help America's ailing economy. 'Oh, Lord,' I prayed, 'thy will is done.'"
In addition to Aqua Buddha aftershave, Dr. Paul's grooming line also includes Aqua Buddha balm, foaming facial cleanser, and Buddha-on-a-rope.
"Those little guys are pretty adorable, if I do say so myself," admitted Paul.
"And," he added, "the first 500 customers to purchase one of my Aqua Buddha products will also receive a free, TSA-approved Aqua Buddha travel set in clear, three-ounce bottles, for that man on the go."
The Republican Senate candidate concluded his announcement with this promise: "If I am lucky enough to earn a seat in the United States Senate, my first act will be to present each member of Congress, no matter the party affiliation, with his or her own complimentary Buddha-on-a-rope. The ladies can either give their little guy to a lucky man in their life, or bow down to it if I tell them to."
© 10.21.10 Kate Heidel