CNN's T-Shirt Emporium Takes Over News Division

Intimate Apparel Spinoff Already In the Works

 STAFFER AT CNN's website, which sells t-shirts containing catchy news headlines, has revealed that program executives ordered the t-shirt division to take over CNN's T.V. news operations last month.

Said the staffer, " is doing such a brisk t-shirt business that the execs realized where the big ratings money was. I mean, who can resist news like 'Ginormous Sinkhole Gobbles Up Yard' or 'Obama's Blue Jeans Put Press In Tizzy' when it's printed on 100% cotton? That's just too hot not to bring to our television viewers."

According to the staffer, whose own t-shirt read, "Several Feared Dead in Wacky Tornado Touchdown," the television news anchors "couldn't be happier" over the new leadership. "Once the transition is complete, you'll be hearing a lot less from reporters like John King and Dana Bash. All they'll have to do is stand there looking hot while their t-shirts tell the story."

The updated news model will have anchors and field reporters changing t-shirts during every station break. Reporters will occasionally need to turn around to display the second half of a more in-depth story that won't fit on one side.

Contemporary music will fill the void first established by CNN notables such as Jack Cafferty and Keira Phillips, who soon will only be allowed to sneer and wink, respectively.

Only Wolf Blitzer will speak to the viewing audience, in order to repeat his new tagline every 60 seconds: "You're in the Situation Room: Our political team has the highest thread count on television."