Hundreds of Talking Jesus Dolls Recalled for Saying Naughty Things

It's a miracle more of these didn't get out.

Amsterdam, Netherlands - Jesus Doll
photo credit: plusgood

AKERS OF THE 12-inch Talking Jesus doll, sold via television and the Internet, have announced a recall of about 750 dolls, whose talking units were tampered with to make Jesus say things atypical of the Son of God.

Joe Taylor, a worker on the Jesus assembly line explained: "I guess a prankster on our speaker assembly crew thought it would be just hilarious to have Jesus say unholy things to innocent kids. When that guy gets caught, there'll be hell to pay, literally."

The tinkered recordings first came to light when five-year-old Jimmy Simmons of Tucson, Arizona ran to his mother in tears, saying that Jesus had yelled at him to "shut the hell up in church already." Shocked, the mother cycled through the full log of conversations in her son's Talking Jesus.

"You would not believe what came out of the Lamb of God," said Mrs. Lottie Simmons. "All the damage that I now have to undo to get my boy to trust Jesus again. How do I make him believe me that the real Jesus would never say, 'No man cometh unto the Father but by me, but hot chicks get in totally free'?"

The manufacturer of what many have now dubbed "Tampered Jesus" is offering a full refund to any customer whose doll contains the tainted recordings. Parents are urged to listen to the complete lineup before allowing their children to play with the doll.

Tampered Jesus also gives questionable financial advice, whistles the theme song to "The Godfather," and tells bawdy knock-knock jokes featuring John the Baptist.