Astronomers Discover 'Colossal' Black Hole in Bravo's 'Real Housewives' Series

No light can escape hole's unparalleled gravitational pull.

WARFING THE size of massive black holes recently discovered in distant galaxies, a "colossal" black hole identified in Bravo's Real Housewives series has, said an astronomer interviewed in Science magazine, "simultaneously dazzled and terrified the astrophysics community."

Dr. Bryan Blue said the Real Housewives black hole makes the largest black hole previously measured "look like a cute little polka dot by comparison" and allows no light to escape a single episode.

"Whether the housewife is from New Jersey, Atlanta, or Orange County, it doesn't matter," said Dr. Blue. "They're all doomed to complete oblivion."

Citing the Housewives' distorted facial features, which many observers thought resulted from plastic surgery, Dr. Blue said the gravitational pull of Bravo's black hole, "caused these poor women's faces to look like they'd taken a G-force ride at Disney World.

"It's tragic that Bravo allows the public to view what can happen to the human face in a black hole," he continued, "although, as a scientist, I have to say the wealth of data is quite irresistible."

Dr. Blue went on to say that the bizarre behaviors shown by the Housewives and their friends and family members were "clearly a consequence of the black hole's immense gravitational forces.

"Paranoia, throwing furniture, pulling hair—all of these behaviors signal the beginnings of a complete meltdown, when all matter is sucked into the black hole's vortex. I predict it will only get worse," warned the astrophysicist.

A Bravo executive, responding to the Science article, would not confirm or deny the existence of a Real Housewives black hole, but did say he was "thrilled to hear from an unbiased source that our show is going in the right direction."