Oprah Takes Registrations for Classroom in the Heavenly Afterlife

Hell sees immediate spike in immigration.

God rays in Israel
photo credit: wili_hybrid

PRAH WINFREY'S audience burst into rapturous applause as the talk-show diva announced that her "New Earth" online classroom with Eckhart Tolle would continue in the afterlife as an Advanced Placement course entitled "An Even Better Heaven." It had not yet been finalized whether Jesus or the Almighty Himself would replace Tolle as Oprah's co-host in what Ms. Winfrey has dubbed "The Hallelujah Classroom."

"I have always believed that God has given me a pulpit to guide you all to your life's purpose," intoned Ms. Winfrey, "but I have also always believed that God wants me to appear incessantly before you, in every possible medium, dead or alive."

"Therefore," continued Winfrey, "I have partnered with the Lord of Hosts to bring you, after I die, what will be the largest classroom ever conceived. Why, it makes my online classroom look itty-bitty, people."

Citing statistics that place the heavenly population at nearly 30 trillion souls, "that's including animals and non earthlings," Oprah stated that her first goal was to "brainstorm with the Lord" to identify the "Top Ten Thousand ways to make the most of eternity. We've only got one everlasting life, and we've got to get it right."

At the close of the show Oprah flung out her arms and shouted, "Everyone in the studio audience is getting a front seat!!" inciting near-pandemonium.

"I want to die right now!" screeched one woman, who passed out after strangling herself with the nearest scarf.