German Potato Salad Promises Not to Invade Summer Picnics

Says its increased presence in grocery stores nothing to worry about.

S SUMMER ramps up and deli counters around the U.S. are filled with various picnic fare, concern is mounting that German potato salad may once again invade summer picnics, if past years are any indication.

However, a spokesman for the German potato salad industry claims otherwise.

"We have no intentions of coming to the picnics to which we have not been heartily invited," assured the spokesman. "That would be most unnecessary. We will only appear upon the picnic tables onto which we have been specifically placed by your beautiful frauleins. Although, have you ever tried us with Polish sausage? It is a natural combination that we have no doubt you will find most pleasing to the palate. Und your belly will smile, also."

Makers of classic, mayo-based cold potato salad say that assurances are clearly not enough, "considering the well-documented pattern of broken promises" from German potato salad.

Warned non-German-potato-salad producers, "We can't stress enough the need for picnickers to be on the alert for a strange-looking concoction full of vinegar and funny little green things clinging to the potatoes—WARM potatoes. You might think our classic, cold and delicious potato salad will always be there, but we become complacent at our peril."

"Oh, just listen to the hysterical little men who make the cold and greasy dish you dare to call 'potato salad'!" mocked the Germans' spokesman. "They are as spineless as little girls crying for their mommies! Perhaps the robust vinegar found only in our superior salad can restore their limp and useless spines, but we would not recommend that you hold in your breath for such a day that will never come!!"

On a calmer note, the spokesman did say that German potato salad would be willing to "sit side by side" with the cold version for picnickers who wanted to serve both.

"Certainly, our German potato salad will peacefully co-exist with your potato salad and will not push it aside with brute force," he stated. "Not even when we see that yours has been also mixed with hard-boiled eggs, which weakens it even further than we would have dreamed possible."

Concluded the spokesman, "Yes, indeed, we welcome the opportunity to peacefully share a table with all of the condiments, weak and small, served at your outdoor festivities. No, I am not winking. It is only a nasty little particle stuck in mein eye."