What's wrong with "Deathmaker Denise"?
MOTHER of four who wishes to be identified only as "Denise" has been formally turned down by the terrorist network, Al Qaeda, for her insistence on keeping her first name rather than adopting a nickname starting with "J," which would, as Al Qaeda's rejection letter stated, "look so very much better than 'Denise' next to 'Jihad' in the evil western press once your glorious, martyred death had been carried out along with the deserved deaths of the infidel or infidels we had chosen for you to annihilate."
Noting the new-found attention such female inductees as "Jihad Jane" and "Jihad Jamie" have brought to Al Qaeda, the rejection letter went on to say that "'Jihad Denise' has no ring to it whatsoever, and besides, you are a mere female who must obey exactly what we command if you are to be any use to us at all as a lean, mean explosion machine for Islam."
Denise said she was "mighty disappointed" upon receiving the reply from Al Qaeda with the word "REJECTED" stamped in red block letters across her application.
"Can't they let us down a little easier than a big red stamp like that?" asked the rejected jihadist. "I still feel bad, and it's been a week now."
"I totally agree," said the recruiter for a leading employment agency, who requested that her surname not be revealed since her application to Al Qaeda as "Jihad Britney" was still pending.
"How about, 'Thank you for your interest in martyring yourself for Al Qaeda, the world leader in terrorist mayhem. Due to the overwhelming response to our recent recruitment efforts, we are not able to consider your application at this time.' I've seen a million of these in my work, so I can pretty much rattle one off in my sleep," said Britney.
"Besides," added the would-be jihadist, "I agree with Denise about the whole 'J' obsession. There are so many titles you could give us that would work just great with our first names. I think it's time for Al Qaeda to start thinking outside the box."
However, Britney did suggest that applicants provide a sample of terrifying nicknames in their application letters "to catch the eye of a recruiting officer and stand out from the competition. These people are so busy," explained the employment expert, whose own nickname suggestions to Al Qaeda are "Brutalizer Britney" and "Britney the Bloodletter."
© 03.16.10 Kate Heidel