"It feels so horribly wrong," insists Cowell.
MERICAN IDOL'S crankiest judge, Simon Cowell, admitted to a clutch of reporters outside of Hollywood's Kodak Theater that he has been in therapy for several weeks to deal with "unmixed feelings of approval and appreciation for our best Idol this season, Adam Lambert."
Cowell, who last week gave Lambert a standing ovation for his rendition of Tears for Fears' "Mad World," said there is "no time to waste" in his daily therapy sessions for what he described as "disturbingly positive emotions regarding another human being. I really don't know what's come over me, but it has to be stopped."
Idol judge Paula Abdul was the one who suggested that Cowell seek help for what she called "completely out-of-character niceness and positivity. That's my job. Simon is a mean-spirited, negative person, and that's what we love him for. I can't work with this nice man sitting to my left, it's throwing me off."
"I couldn't agree with Paula more, although she's a completely ridiculous person," said Cowell. "I mean, what is that horrific metal on her body that she actually calls jewelry? Sorry, but it's a joke. It looks like something you'd get out of a Crackerjack box. No, that's being much too generous. Now why can't I say things like that about Adam Lambert? What in heaven's name is wrong with me?"
Idol producers are more than willing to foot the bill for Cowell's therapy, citing "contractual obligations" that Cowell remain "consistently nasty and brutish," especially during elimination segments. Said Idol host Ryan Seacrest, "I can't have Simon getting all mushy on us and showing humanity toward one of our contestants. If he wants to use this season's 'save' to hold on to Adam for another week, that's fine, but we're paying for a bastard, and we expect to get a bastard."
Cowell thought last night's show, during which he was less than 100 percent positive about Adam's rendition of "Born to Be Wild," indicated that he was making progress.
"But I can do much, much better," insisted Cowell. "I do agree with what Ryan says about my role on the show. Although he is such a complete and utter twit."
© 4.15.09 Kate Heidel