Oprah and Dr. Oz's Secret No-Sex Video Posted on YouTube

Fully dressed Oproz not hooking up could damage more reputations than just their own.

ESPITE EFFORTS by Oprah Winfrey's production group, Harpo, to keep the lid on a private, sex-free video of Ms. Winfrey and her long-time medical expert, Dr. Mehmet Oz, a grainy copy of the sex-deprived tape has nonetheless made its way onto the popular video-sharing website, YouTube.

Said a Harpo spokeswoman speaking on condition of anonymity, "Oprah's not happy, Dr. Oz is not happy, and Mrs. Oz and Stedman are frankly embarrassed. About the closest thing to anyone having sex on that video was a completely clothed discussion on the comparative birth-control merits of sponges vs. diaphragms. Quite appallingly lacking in even your most basic sensuality," said the disgusted spokeswoman, not lighting a cigarette.

On the tape, a fully dressed Oprah Winfrey is seen pouring wine for Dr. Oz who, dressed in his usual scrubs, thoroughly washes his hands while extolling the virtues of bacteria-free kitchen counters. He then takes a flaccid sip of his white wine, smacks his lips, and politely asks for the cheese tray on Oprah's sideboard.

Although Ms. Winfrey, for her part, at least sports a low-cut cashmere sweater, the talk-show diva's cleavage is soon forgotten as conversation drifts to the shapes and sizes of the couple's respective bowel movements.

Harpo's spokeswoman said, "At this point Dr. Oz appears to perk up a little, but instead of making an amorous advance, he just pulls some Senokot out of his front pocket and tells Oprah to take one a night for a week to keep her regular. Oh, please."

Fans were hoping for much more, since Dr. Oz is known for kissing Ms. Winfrey's hand at the end of each of his guest appearances. However, on the no-sex tape the heart surgeon seems more attracted to his hostess's towel collection than her soft and silky skin.

"Oprah has great skin, but she does have an even better towel collection, I must admit," acknowledged the terry-struck spokeswoman. "I think next time, we'll secretly tape them in some cheap hotel room with lousy towels. That ought to get things steamed up."