iPhone 5 Both Saves U.S. Economy And Revolutionizes Mashed Potatoes

A panel of tasters agrees "it's a new day" for the popular tuber preparation.

photo credit: Renee Comet, via Wikimedia Commons

LTHOUGH THE economic benefits of Apple's release of the new iPhone 5 has gotten most of the media's attention, the smartphone has also completely revolutionized the common mashed potato side dish so popular with Americans.

An expert panel of potato tasters has confirmed that the iPhone 5 "makes mashed potatoes taste better than thought humanly possible."

The panel's lead taster, Ed Grishom, said he spoke for the panel "when I say it's a new day for mashed potatoes. They may look the same as the old kind, but their flavor has clearly been enhanced beyond anything we've ever tasted from this humble tuber in the past," he said.

None of the members of iPhone 5's development team could be reached for comment on the mashed-potato phenomenon. A media spokeswoman for Apple cited "proprietary algorithms" related to the iPhone 5 "that have produced the best smartphone to date and the most sublime mashed potatoes the world has ever tasted. Beyond that, I'm afraid we cannot comment."

Americans around the U.S. are already tasting the difference in their once-ordinary side dish. Apple has confirmed that it is not necessary to actually own a new iPhone 5, but simply have one in proximity.

"As long as there is an iPhone 5 within a one-mile radius of your home, your mashed potatoes should reap some noticeable taste benefits," said the Apple spokeswoman. "But if you happen to own a new iPhone 5 and place it near the kitchen while you're cooking, the effect is far stronger," she explained.

The new smartphone is being rushed to U.S. military bases around the globe to improve the taste of mashed potatoes served to military personnel.

Said one general stationed in Afghanistan, "I've already tasted the improved potatoes stateside, and believe me, this will do wonders for morale around here."

Rumors are already flying about the iPhone 6 and brussels sprouts, but Apple would not comment.