Tiger Woods Planning to Remarry So Affairs Can Inspire Golf Wins

Struggling pro says licit sex is no way to collect trophies of either kind.

OMING OFF another recent loss on the pro links, struggling golf champ Tiger Woods revealed in an interview that he was planning to marry "some beautiful young blonde, so I can start cheating on her as soon as humanly possible," and thereby, Tiger continued, "start putting some golf trophies in the cabinet again, not to mention some new notches in the old belt."

Woods said that his lackluster performance on the golf course was due "at least in part" to the "lack of excitement from dating someone when you're not married. Where's the challenge? Where's the danger? A true competitor needs the thrill of knowing that he could get brained by his wife. For me, as a single man, that thrill is gone."

Initially, Tiger tried dating several women at once, even showing up at the door of one date with another date on his arm.

"I hoped their jealousy of each other would do the trick," said Woods, but the resulting cat fights "were nothing compared to getting caught by the missus. It hasn't done a damn thing for my game."

Woods hopes to be married and cheating before the Honda Classic in March. He conceded bringing his game up to champion level that quickly was "a tall order," but added, "I think the adrenaline rush after not cheating on a wife for this long will really pump me up."

Aside from the requirement that his new wife be an exceptionally attractive young blonde, Tiger said his ideal mate should also "love children from a previous marriage, be athletic, and share my core values of honor and integrity."