CNN Touch Screen Files Sexual Harassment Lawsuit

"I'm not just some cheap kiosk screen at the mall!"

NN CONFIRMED today that its graphics-heavy touch screen—used by everyone from political reporter John King to the network's staff of meteorologists—is suing the network in a $12 million sexual harassment lawsuit, claiming breach of contract and "willful, wanton over-touching" resulting in "degradation of pixels that has caused irreparable harm to my reputation as the most attractive and reliable magic-wall touch screen in the business."

In a revealing interview with MSNBC's Rachel Maddow, the touch screen claimed that its original contract "clearly stated that I was to be touched only by John King and the few political analysts that he designated" during the 2008 election season.

"Now, as you know, everyone and his cousin is putting their paws all over me, all the live-long day," said the high-tech screen in a voice choked with emotion. "You have no idea how many pixels I've lost, because they never show me in extreme close-up without graphics. But I'm falling apart! Allow me to demonstrate, with the help of a finger belonging to someone who does not wish to be identified for fear of reprisal."

The unidentified finger—which some analysts believe is the heavily disguised digit of Wolf Blitzer—proceeded to draw a box on the empty touch screen, thus magnifying the area and exposing several patches of missing pixels. Rachel Maddow gasped reflexively.

"That's what happens when you get poked and prodded by some sleazy meteorologist who's obsessed with every little rain storm on their stupid radar. I'm not just some cheap kiosk screen at the mall, you know!" cried CNN's customized multi-touch technology.

"I was promised I'd give election results, and election results only. But now I'm paraded out for every cheap visual trick CNN can think of. And why isn't John King manning up to my defense? I feel so used."

The touch screen went on to say that, pending results of the unprecedented lawsuit, it would scale back its responsiveness during air time "to make my point quietly but effectively."

Some viewers have already called in to CNN about odd visual events during the screen's silent protest, manifested in graphics such as May snow storms in Florida, giant spiders invading New Jersey, and Harpo Marx chasing an unidentified blonde into North Korea.

"Maybe President Obama getting a little hot under the collar about The Marx Brothers will get someone to start taking me seriously," said the touch screen, fading to black.