National Enquirer Uncovers Torrid Affair Between Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

Apparently There Is Nothing These Government-Sponsored Enterprises Won't Do

HE NATIONAL ENQUIRER reports that Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two largest mortgage guarantors in the U.S., have been enmeshed in a sizzling love affair that makes the John Edwards-Rielle Hunter liaison "look like Mom and apple pie."

The tabloid was tipped off when Edna Johnston, housekeeper at the notorious Washington D. C. Watergate Hotel, alerted them to a dvd she had found while cleaning the room registered to a Mr. and Mrs. Frederick MacIntyre. "There was some really creepy stuff on that dvd, so I immediately called the Enquirer," said Mrs. Johnston, adding, "They paid me pretty good."

Reportedly the dvd contains explicit images of foreclosed homes in various stages of disuse, including gates thrown wide open, scantily furnished rooms, and curtains torn completely off their rods.

Said assistant housekeeper Patsy Miller, "Mrs. Johnston told me she also found empty cans of Reddi Whip and torn up title documents all over the bed, on the floor, even in the bathtub. God only knows what they were doing in there. I don't even want to think about it. I mean, my mother's got a Freddie Mac mortgage. Now she's going to feel all dirty."

The Enquirer also gained access to the couple's mobile text logs and found steamy messages running back and forth between the GSEs dating back at least 10 months. Enquirer reporter Kathy Foley said that most logs were too explicit to quote extensively "except in our paper" but included suggestive signoffs such as, "You pool mortgages like nobody's business, baby," and, "Sallie Mae's got nothing on you, sweet cakes," referring to Fannie Mae's younger sister, photographed recently on the arm of Hollywood-Sponsored Enterprise Matthew McConaughey.