Another Republican Acquires Compassion Via Personal Bad Luck

At current pace, entire party should be fully compassionate "just before the end of time," according to Nate Silver.

photo credit: brunkfordbraun

EWS OUTLETS this week reported on another Republican who has acquired the human capacity for compassion by experiencing a personal illness that left him realizing that bad things can happen to a person.

Said 34-year-old Jason P. from Saginaw, Michigan, "Last month, I was diagnosed with lymphoma, and it suddenly dawned on me: if bad things can happen to me, then, hey, I guess they can happen to other people as well. So now I have compassionate feelings toward humanity and support the Affordable Care Act."

Since Republicans are known for acquiring compassion only when bad things happen to them personally, the rate it would take the entire party to put itself in other people's shoes would be, according to statistical guru Nate Silver, "glacial."

Mr. Silver crunched the numbers and arrived at an estimate of "just before the end of time" as the era when the Republican Party as a whole would be capable of fully understanding and practicing compassion.

In the mean time, Jason is being heartily mocked by other Republicans in the long-standing tradition of party members who have not yet personally encountered misfortune.

"It is our duty as loyal Republicans to mock those in our party who have been stupid or lazy enough to experience bad luck, and thus become little babies who suddenly love other losers," stated Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus. "And whenever one of our own goes to the dark side and starts spewing compassionate nonsense, then he really has it coming."

Jason says he understands the reaction, "since I was like that," but now that he realizes bad things can happen to anyone, "it makes Republicans who make fun of people like me kind of look like a-holes."