Never throw anything away.
photo credit: David from Washington, DC
CORRECTIONS official in Tennessee, which has decided to bring back the electric chair until the lethal-injection controversy is worked out, says the situation proves "you should never throw anything away, because you just never know when you might need it."
Admitting that he used to tease his wife for not throwing away old items of clothing, J. Ballard now says he sees her closet "in a whole new light since we dusted off our old electric chair."
"Now I say to the wife, 'Hold onto those shoes, honey, because that style is bound to come back someday," Ballard said.
"Here in corrections, we're kind of in the same situation," Ballard continued. "We've got prisoners to kill, but if we had thrown away Old Smokey, we'd be in quite a pickle.
"Instead, we've still got ourselves a classic killin' machine. Just like the original Coke, we're gonna re-brand Old Smokey. Now he's Smokey Classic. You heard it here first."
Smokey Classic will be unveiled at a special ceremony later this week at the Tennessee Department of Corrections. Visitors will enjoy a display of historical photos and illustrations of the chair previously known as Old Smokey. The menu of treats includes "Fizzy Punch" and "Shocking Cupcakes."
"You've gotta have a little sense of humor when you work on Death Row," said Ballard.
The new Smokey Classic will be completely rewired, however the real test of its upgrade won't be possible until Tennessee's first execution with the refurbished device.
"Our next guy in line is gonna to show the whole world if Smokey's still got it," said Ballard. "I almost envy him."
© 5.29.14 Kate Heidel