The Good, the Bad, and Dr. Phil

(This piece has appeared in Cynic Magazine.)

R. PHIL: Today we're going to try to patch up a really bad relationship, one that's been that way for a long time.

Now, the only way we could get these guys to come on the show was to promise on our honor to shoot them in shadow. Apparently, they're both camera shy—and stubborn! Are you ready guys?

"Ready."

"Yes, I'm ready."

Dr. Phil: OK. Audience, watch the two screens behind me. See the screen on your right? I'd like to introduce you all to God. God, will you please say hello to our audience?

"Hello."

Dr. Phil: And, on the screen to your left, I'd like you all to meet the devil. Satan, would you please also say hello to our audience?

"Hello."

Dr. Phil: OK, so I don't get accused of favoritism, we did a coin toss before the show, and my first question goes to Satan. Satan, tell us from your perspective how your relationship with God went off the rails. What went wrong?

Satan: Well it started back when God had all these—

God: EXCUSE ME!! [Words echo impressively.]

Satan: Hey what's with the special effects! I thought we were going to get real here. I've got special effects, too, you know, I just thought we were going to leave those at home. Besides, I was—

God: EXCUSE ME!! I think, being God, I should go first.

Satan: Well that's your whole problem, isn't it. You're just better than everybody else, aren't you, so you have to go first.

God: I AM better than everybody else. I'm the Lord God Almighty. Something you seem to have forgotten.

Satan: Oh yeah? Just how did I forget that? Why don't you tell everybody how I forgot that you were Number One? Seems to me someone's suffering from a little selective memory. Seems to me that I liked you best, and—

God: QUIET! You're a fallen angel, do not blaspheme. I am incapable of forgetting anything.

Satan: He does this all the time. We used to be this close! Now I get ordered around and—

Dr. Phil: OK, guys? Now, God, I know you're King of the Hill, but I've still gotta ask you, what's your payoff here?

God: What do you mean? Naturally, I know exactly what you mean, but I command you to clarify for the audience.

Dr. Phil: What are you getting out of banishing your favorite angel to hell?

Satan: I'll tell you what he's getting out of it. He gets to blame everything that goes wrong on me! Whatever happens that's good, everyone says, 'Oh thank you God for being so great,' but when things go wrong, who takes the fall? Me, that's who.

Dr. Phil: OK, but here's the bottom line—you are the Prince of Darkness aren't you? Are you going to sit here and deny that?

Satan: Hey, I never said I wasn't, I'm only saying that I had precious little choice in the matter. I mean, what kind of god banishes you to hell because you're loyal? That'll make a person crazy!

God: I told you I had some other angels I wanted you to worship, and you said no. You know you can't say no to Me. That's Rule Number One. I'm God, dammit.

Dr. Phil: OK, guys, I think it's pretty clear that this is old stuff. We can't change the past. But we can make a conscious life decision to change things going forward. Can each of you say, 'Phil, I want to improve this relationship starting today.' Can you do that?

Satan: Hell, I'm willing, but I don't know about Him. He's pretty stubborn, as you pointed out.

God: I'm not stubborn, I'm perfect. Everything is proceeding according to My plan, so I'm afraid I can't help you. I'm not really afraid, by the way, that's just a figure of speech.

Dr. Phil: So, God, are you telling me you're not willing to mend fences with Satan? God?

Satan: That's his disappearing act. But I'm willing to talk to you Phil, if you'll meet me halfway. Just read this and give it your John Hancock.

Dr. Phil: Ah, gee, Satan, I don't think so. That would be a contract for my soul, am I right? You're still playing the old tricks, right fella?

Satan: I don't know what you're talking about. But you know, I'd love to come back and try again, that is if He's willing. Meanwhile, consider my offer. These ratings can't last forever.